Title: Arthu’s Sucky Day
Summary: “Arthur has an all around bad day.”
Badness Rating: 9.5
Submitted by: alexthegreatandterrible
Comments: this is by the same person as “arthur’s adventerous day” but with 5x more writing and less use of the enter bar.
It was Friday afternoon in Elwood City and Mr. Ratburn was teaching the class on how to give your partner perfect oral sex. To help him, he had Binky Barnes lying on his desk with his pants off. Mr. Ratburn’s head bobbed up and down as Binky squealed loudly. He squealed so loudly the windows shattered. Mr. Ratburn got a napkin and wiped Binky’s baby batter off his face. Just as he was about to give the next lesson on massaging the balls with your tongue, Mr. Haney burst into the room. He said, “Mrs. Read and Buster Baxter are fucking each other in front of the school. Everybody come and watch.” Everyone ran out to the front of the school and saw Buster ride Arthur’s mom cowgirl style and he twisted her nipples so hard she howled like a wolf. She howled so loudly Mr. Haney shit his pants. Thus began Arthur’s worst day.
After school ended, Arthur, Buster, George, and the Brain went to the Sugar Bowl. They were sitting in a booth with Arthur and George on one side and Buster and Brain on the other. All of them had finished 13 ice cream sundaes apiece. Arthur finished his sundae and glared at Buster. “Buster, I can’t believe you’d go and fuck my mother like that,” he said. “Arthur, your mom asked me to fuck her,” said Buster. “What are you talking about,” Arthur asked in an annoyed tone. “Remember when I was at your house last week and you were taking that enormous dump?” “Yeah.” said Arthur. “What does that have to do with anything?” “Well, as you were nuking Toiletopolis, I went into the kitchen to get a snack. I saw your mom doing boring grown up shit at the table and she told me she wasn’t getting any from your dad. I think she said your dad had the same size wiener as you.” Arthur turned bright red and peed himself a little. Buster continued. “Anyway, she was really horny and made me take off her clothes without using my hands. Then she let me touch her massive chesticles and after that, we fucked for a good twenty minutes.” “So those noises weren’t the scrambled porn we were watching?” “Nope. It was me and your mom. Then she met me at school today and told me she wanted me. So we went to the front of the school and the rest is history.” Arthur gave Buster the finger. “I don’t know, Arthur. It was kind of hot if you ask me,” said George. “Shut up, tardo. No one was talking to you,” Brain snapped. “What’s it to ya,” asked George. “I’m with Arthur on that one,” said Brain. “Thank you,” said Arthur. “Anyway,” said George, “what are everyone’s plans for the weekend?” Arthur said, “I’ll probably watch Barney and massage my nipples.” Buster said, “I’m gonna try on my mom’s clothes while she’s out squandering my dad’s alimony and child support payments on booze and jewelry.” Brain said, “I’m going to masturbate for 3 hours straight and then I’ll put it under a microscope and see how potent it is.” “Brain, that’s stupid,” Buster said. “Even if your sperm was potent, no chick would ever want to fuck you.” Brain bitch slapped Buster in the face so hard he made him cross eyed. “What about you George,” Arthur asked. “I’m going to your house and fucking your whore of a mother,” George said while laughing. Arthur was so mad he grabbed a fork and stabbed George in the eye.
George was screaming and crying while blood seeped out of his eye. “Oh God. I’m so sorry,” Arthur said. He then picked up a steak knife and stabbed George seven times in the butthole. With every stab, George moaned. Arthur looked to see if George was still alive. He was and he had a huge boner thanks to Arthur’s foreplay with the knife. Arthur couldn’t stand seeing George so happy, so he took the knife and slit his throat. George died in agony. Then a bunch of blood seeped onto the floor as a waitress carrying a huge stack of dirty dishes walked by. She didn’t see the bloody mess so she slipped on it, fell over and cracked open her skull. Arthur, after seeing this whole debacle, decided to leave. “Guys, I just remembered D.W. and I were going to play gynecologist. See you on Monday.” He slid out of the booth and headed toward the entrance. “Wait Arthur,” said Buster. “You said you were going to help with the bill.” “Oh. Well, I lied. You guys will have to take care of it,” said Arthur. He left the Sugar Bowl and headed home.
As Arthur arrived home, the windows were open and he heard what sounded like his mom singing Crazy Bus. Arthur walked upstairs and opened up his mom’s bedroom door. As Arthur looked into the room, he saw his mom naked on her bed singing Crazy Bus into a dildo. Arthur yelled, “Mom, what are you doing?” She said, “I’m just doing some karaoke for D.W. and Kate.” D.W. and Kate were in a crib in the corner making out. Suddenly, there was a vibrating sound and the mom pulled her cell phone out of her vagina. She answered and it was Mr. Read. The mom went back and forth with the dad and she hung up the phone and put it back into the Bat Cave. Arthur’s mom said, “Your father needs you to go pick him up because his car has run out of gas. He’s stuck downtown a few blocks from his office and needs you to give him a ride.” “Why can’t you get him,” Arthur asked. “Because, dumbshit, I’m busy. Now go get him.” Then the mom went back to singing. Arthur sighed and left the room. Arthur walked to the garage and remembered that his bike had been stolen the night before by the Tibble twins so they could sell it and buy crack from their grandma. His only choices were D.W.’s tricycle or his mom’s new car, a 2006 Pontiac GTO. Arthur went into the kitchen and got his mom’s car keys. After opening the garage door, he started the car, put it in reverse, and stomped on the gas. The car rocketed out of the garage, across the street and ran over Prunella. Arthur then sped off to downtown. Prunella was so mad she tried casting a witch spell on Arthur to make his penis shrivel, but she accidentally cast it on her own penis and she died.
Arthur screeched to a halt in front of the strip club his dad worked at part time as a dancer. He noticed his dad’s car in the parking lot so he drove over and got out of the car. When he looked inside, he almost puked. Mr. Read was giving Binky Barnes a blowjob while Mr. Ratburn was filming in the front seat. Arthur knocked on the window. Mr. Ratburn rolled it down and Arthur said, “What the fuck are you guys doing?” Mr. Ratburn said, “It’s for your dad’s newest porno, ‘Mr. Read Spreads His Seed’.” “Catchy title. I think I would buy it,” said Arthur. Then he remembered why he was there. “Dad, we have to get gas for your car.” Mr. Read asked Mr. Ratburn to “watch” Binky for him. They left the car and Binky squealed so loudly that the windows shattered. They went over to the Pontiac and got inside. Mr. Read started the car and they did a burnout out of the parking lot and drove to the gas station. After they filled up a container with gas, Mr. Read said, “Arthur, I gotta take a piss. I’ll be right back.” He was gone for three hours. Arthur finally got tired of waiting and went into the bathroom. What he saw shocked him. Mr. Read was being brutally raped by Mr. Crosswire. Mr. Crosswire was crying and had mascara running down his cheeks and was repeatedly saying, “Muffy, you whore. If I can’t have you, nobody will.” He then shanked Mr. Read to death. Arthur went over, grabbed the knife and stabbed Mr. Crosswire to death. As Arthur turned around, he noticed Muffy at the door. Muffy saw her father’s corpse on top of Mr. Read’s corpse and Arthur holding a bloody knife. She then said, “Ooh, Arthur, I’m telling.” Muffy then ran off to go tell on Arthur with her big whorish mouth. Arthur couldn’t let this happen, so he ran after that bitch. Arthur jumped and dropkicked Muffy so hard that she smacked her head against a fire hydrant and split her skull open. Arthur was pleased with this situation and wanted to tell people about it. So he got into the Pontiac and sped off to Buster’s house.
Arthur stopped in front of Buster’s house and rang the doorbell. Mrs. Baxter answered the door. “Well hello Arthur,” she said. “Is there anything I can do for you? To you?” “No ma’am. You gross me out,” Arthur said. “I just wanted to talk to Buster.” “Buster? As in Buster Cherry? As in what I want you to do to me?” Arthur then said, “I’m not getting into this house if I don’t screw you, right?” “Exactly”, she said. Mrs. Baxter then ripped her clothes off. She then said, “Honey, are you an ant eater outer?” “Excuse me,” asked Arthur. “You eat bugs, right?” “Yeah.” “Well, I’ve got some bugs in my cooch. I hope you like lice. Flied lice.” Arthur was getting pissed off, so he said “I don’t have time for this shit.” He then pulled out brass knuckles and punched Mrs. Baxter in her vagina. Mrs. Baxter literally exploded from the biggest orgasm of her life. Arthur picked up her bloody chunks and started cooking them for Buster. When dinner was ready, Arthur knocked on Buster’s bedroom door. Not getting a response, Arthur thought Buster was masturbating and burst through the door. Arthur’s phone suddenly rang. He answered it and it was his mom. “Buster’s waiting for you at our house.” “Why,” Arthur asked. “We are having a sleep over. Just get back over here.” She then hung up. Arthur drove back to his house, walked through the front door and went up to his room. What he saw shocked him. He saw Brain holding Buster’s severed head and had a crazy look in his eyes. He then ripped his shirt open and took some of Buster’s blood and smeared it on his chest. Arthur screamed, “What the fuck is wrong with you, Brain?” “What the fuck is wrong with me you ask? Well let’s see here, while you left to go fuck your mother, it was just me and Buster to pick up the tab. Buster then tricked me by leaving me to pick up the bill which turned out to be $530 due to our meal. To get the money I had to suck off 12 truckers and sell off my mother’s prized dildo. I had to get revenge, and there’s no better way to do it then kill your butt buddy boyfriend.” “You’re fucking nuts, Brain.” “Would somebody be nuts if they chopped off their penis and surgically attached a machine gun instead?” “Yes, very fucking nuts,” replied Arthur. Brain unzipped his pants and fired his machine gun, killing Arthur. Brain laughed manically and jumped out of his window to go eat Buster’s head and kill more people. Hearing the noise, D.W. walked in to the room to see what was going on. “Arthur keep down all the noise, I’m trying to get sex money from the Tibble twins.” There was no response. Arthur, you bitch, get up,” she squealed. Arthur’s mom came up to see what was going on. “Arthur won’t wake up, Mommy,” said D.W. “Oh,” said her mother, “that’s because he’s dead.” They both left and didn’t care.